Part of my World...

My chest feels empty but why is there so much pain?

The air is stuck and it chokes me

Deep sigh helps but only for a while

It hurts again and again…

Is this the consequence of hiding?

Is this what it takes to keep the feelings inside?

I want to scream, I want to let it go

I want to face it but it hurts more I know

So it’s better to run and run away…

Hide away, and run away

I close my eyes

 See not what my eyes can see

Refusing the reality in front of me

Maybe this is just a dream, a bad dream

I want to wake up now

But the pain is strong and tells me it’s real

 

September 30, 2008

(Written during Kabanuan 101 moment hehehe)

 

Minsan ko na syang kinalimutan. Tinapos ko na sya bago pa ako pumunta ng japan. Siguro, sa dami ng iniisip at inaatupag ko mula ng dumating ako dito sa bansang ito, hindi ko na sya na naiisip minsan. Kasama ng aking mga bagong kakilala at kaibigan, minsan ko ring nakalimutan ang lungkot ng pagiging malayo sa pamilya. Pero sa totoo lang, nalulungkot pa rin ako lalo na kapag nagiisa ulet ako sa munting sulok ng aking silid dito dormitoryo.  Minsan, naisip ko rin sya at binalikan ko yung mga araw na dinamayan nya ako sa aking pag-iisa. Akala ko nga tapos na ako sa kanya. Pero hindi pala. Binalikan ko pa rin sya. Kaya ngayon, tuwing nag-iisa ako, sya yung munti kong karamay. Kahit na naiinis ako sa kanya, ayun, at hindi ko maiwasang balikan sya. Sa totoo lang, may bago na rin akong nakita, kaso, hindi ko naman makasundo. Kaya, eto, balik sa dati kong karamay. Sa nakaraang mga araw na nag-iisa ako, sya yung aking kasama. Naiisip ko din yung bagong katagpo ko, pero sadyang hindi ko maiwanan ang thumblebugs. Tama, ang  thumblebugs, na minsan kinakainisan ko  kasi hindi ko matapos tapos yung levels. Yung thumblebugs, na minsan, tinapos ko na bago pa man ako pumunta ng Japan, yes 12 levels yun at may stages pa bawat level. Minsan nga nag cheat pa ako (sa turo ni Geoffrey!), pero walang challenge eh pag may cheat! Ngayon kasama ko ulet sya. Pano naman kasi, hindi nagwowork minsan sa computer ko yung  Barcelona Olympics game at yung Robotniks na bigay sa akin. Nawawalan ako ng pasensya. Kaya salamat at andyan ang thumblebugs. Dinadamayan nya ako sa aking pag-iisa. Salamat sa thumblebugs, minsan, nakakalimutan ko ang lungkot. :)

 

P.S. wag nyong subukan,maadik kayo :p

The past days, I already had thoughts of running (jogging) or simply walking around the campus during early morning. But that never happened. I always find myself enjoying my bed in the morning and getting up late.

August 20,2008, I decided to get up early. With all the thoughts and feelings the night before, I just decided to walk around, hmmm maybe from GaiDai to Onohara. Oh, maybe to Handai with the usual Onohara path, was a better idea, I thought.

Leaving the dorm, I didn’t bring my keitai with me. I just brought with me some money just in case I won’t make it walking coming back. I started heading to the Madani Jutaku Bus stop when I decided to take a bottle of water from the Jidouhanbaiki. And from there, I took the way down to Madani Jutaku 入り口.  

This  jogging-running-walking thing made me think of simple decisions. Instead of taking the planned path, I thought of going to Handai using the ‘monorail path’, the usual path the University Bus takes from Minoo campus to Suita campus. And it was great! The wind was suzushi (cool), well it was 6:20 in my watch,  the green scenery of the rice field, the aroma from the rice wheat made my walking much better. The walk made me noticed the rice stalks that were just beginning to show and enjoy the smell of the rice field. It made me feel more alive. Yes, with all the things that are happening around, the daily routines, I thought I need one ‘nature trip’ like I usually do in Zamboanga.

So I headed on to  Handai. And in an hour, I was already at Handai Byoin Mae station. I took the path going to the campus, but then again, I felt like not going in and decided to take another path. Another, ‘what if’ came to my mind. What if, instead of going inside the campus to Senri gate then to Onohara, why not take the path around the Handai and maybe find the Senri gate in the end? I just took on my What If thoughts then. I started jogging to a new direction, a new path, which I really don’t know where it was leading me to. I just thought that this new path will lead me to some familiar place later.  

And indeed, I was walking and jogging for 5-10 minutes on a new path. I had to make decisions again along the way. The CROSSROAD.  Should I go straight? Hmmm… definitely not to the left so I decided to turn right. Whooaaa… I felt like I was in the middle of the forest! I really didn’t know where that is but I continued to walk. On both sides of a narrow road were huge trees and bamboo poles. You can hear the cicadas noise (why are they following me?!) and the birds chirping. It was about 2-3 minutes of that scenery when I found ‘civilization’! But this is not where I wanted to go. The path I took did not lead to Senri Gate of handai. Instead the signs said ‘THIS WAY TO YAMADA MONORAIL’ and ‘HANKYU Railway YAMADA STN’.

Whaaattt!!!!????? Walking on farther, the road signs were pointing me to MinamiSenri and other Senries here in Osaka!

But that’s the lesson of going and following your instinct, of following what you feel, of following what your heart says. Sometimes, you get lost. Sometimes the road you thought was right, was never right. We take different paths, thinking that this path will bring us to where we wanted to go but only to find out it’s not. And again, in moments like this, one has to make a decision. Either to go on farther and farther away from your desires, or just stop, feel that moment, and backtrack a bit. Go back to where you started losing your way and find the right way again from there. We just have to accept that we are really lost sometimes. But we also have to accept that we can always find our way again.

Going back for a few minutes of walking, I found the sign that says ‘KITA-SENRI STN’. The sign brought hope.    I will find my way. I started walking and as I made every step, I can feel a more familiar place now. Yes, this is KITA SENRI, I thought. The Hankyu line was my guide.  Yamada Stn is just a station away from Kita-Senri Stn. I looked at my watched. It’s about 5 minutes before 8am. I have been walking around for almost two hours already and the wind was not suzushii anymore (suzushikunakatta). But I never felt tired, never felt anxious about the new paths I took. I was just sure enough, that as long as you are aware of what is happening and have faith in you, you will find your way back ‘home’.

 

P.S. I stopped by McDonalds and made ‘omochikairi’ (takeout) for shaka-shaka chicken and Melon pan. I took the bus back to madani Jutaku.

It was my first birthday away from Philippines. I have celebrated birthdays before in Manila while attending a conference, in Iligan while I was taking my masters course. But this year, and maybe the years to come, I celebrated it away from home. I had always wished I celebrated it with my family, with simple pansit and a bottle of coca-cola, okey na. I wished I had with me my co-teachers and friends in the department, with a simple cake from Myrna's (ese si tiene!), pansit from Sunflower and sliced bread! (Fights ya se!).

I missed those times...but my friends here made up for that 'loneliness' of being away during my special day.

On the night of August 8th, we were busy cooking for dinner because suddenly, we thought of having dinner together while watching the Olympics 2008 Opening in the Recreation Area of the dorm. Unfortunately, some parties were held that day.And we didn't know why of all days, a party should be held during the Olympics opening!!!

Disappointed, we were preparing for dinner and watching Olympics using our KEITAI (mobile phones). It was small but better than not watching anything at all. The Olympics Opening Ceremony was amazing!

Igor prepared Pastel ala Brasilian Style, and me cooking adobong manok. Eng had helped us in the kitchen,too. Danny came with some bottles of Fanta and chips.

Monica our dormmate came and saw us frustratingly watching the parade from our KEITAI, offered her TV but we have to watch in somebody else's room...okey! MY ROOM!!!




To all..DOMOU ARIGATOUGOZAIMASHITA (どもうありがとうございました！）

In Philippines, when you can`t express yourself, or can` t explain either because it is too difficult to explain or no words can describe it, sometimes you just cry out   “hindi ko ma language!”.  I can`t “language” it. It is just an expression so excuse me for the grammar J

It is really hard not to be able to express yourself more freely. And yes, language is one big tool to be able to express what you feel and think.

Knowing very little (if you can count that as knowing) Japanese is really hard. Picture it out: you were opening a bank account in a Japanese bank (of course) with a Japanese (and speaks only Japanese) bank representative speaking to you. You try to explain or say what you want to do (in mixed English and sign language) and get a blank face from him. And oh, the person replies and explains what you have to do, because that person already understood what you are there for because you pointed at the sign which says “NEW ACCOUNT”(thank goodness there is romaji), in return, you just stare at him with mouth opened. HUH? Waaah! Deaf and mute people use sign language, and so you try sign language! Yes! It works (sometimes)! But a supposedly 30-minute transaction will run for 2 hours or so. I tell you, it is not easy. But the good thing is (ok let us try to be positive), we achieved our goal for that day even if it took us almost the whole day *wink!*

Coming to a country with very few people speaking English is quite hard. Oh well, that is the reason why I am taking a Japanese intensive language course, because I have to learn the language. But while learning the language, you have to do other things. Transact some business in the bank, city hall, mobile phone company, etc and etc. And they do not speak English! It is really hard not to be able to express yourself. I can only say Konnichiwa , sumimasen and arigatougozaimasu in the beginning! After that, ahhhh…hai hai hai again!

Sometimes, I feel like I am a lost kid. At some times, I avoided interacting with any Japanese speaking-people because I feel scared that I can`t talk to them fairly. Or every time someone speaks to me in Japanese, I just give a “chotto” sign and expression to inform them that I cannot understand and speak Japanese. (chotto means little, but can be used in many context too).

In learning Japanese, speaking is one thing, and understaning is another thing. Most of the time, what is taught in the classroom is not what is used outside the classroom. We have the CASUAL way of saying things, and the Formal way of saying things. You may understand your own sentence, or know what you are saying, but since conversation is two-way, what you hear from a native speaker maybe different from what you know.

Learning a new language is quite fun but difficult. At my age, I had to learn what elementary (Grade 1 ) kids learn. I had to go through the trouble of learning the syllables, reading really slowly, trying to recognize every character or symbol. Sometimes, I feel stupid listening to my self or while looking at my ugly Kanji and hiragana writings. But sometimes, it also feels great being able to complete one sentence, and a paragraph, and be able to speak a simple Japanese with my host family. Despite all these troubles, I just can`t complain for I chose this. Yes, as a friend would always tell me `UNSAY GI ENTER!`.  I chose to apply for this, I chose to come. And I really wanted to come. I wanted to learn the language before (Hontoo ni!) So do not complain.

As second half of the Japanese Language Intensive  Course of Osaka University starts off, I still feel that I can`t express myself fully.  But I can say that I can communicate (a bit) now. I understand the language better even if I cannot really speak more fluently and correctly yet. For 2 months and a half of being an A Class (Beginners` Class) student, being able to make myself understood in Japanese is an achievement (とおもいます). I think J.

Marami pa ring bagay ang HINDI KO MA LANGUAGE in Japanese… but in due time, I hope I can.

It all started with Music. Singing is the common factor. Being in a new place, I always feared I will have a hard time adjusting to people. What if we won`t get along well? What if we are just too different? Then I have to live a lonely life away from home...

But No. I have these 3 persons with me now who made and will make my life away from home much easier and memorable. It all started with a hum and a song... the melody brought us together and now, together, we are writing down the lyrics of our life....Engelene (Phil), Igor(Brazil) and Nico(Indonesia)...